Tag Archives: feelings

Abortion… My ExperienceΒ 

I understand this is a controversial subject for some, but for me I believe we all have a choice, a choice that I learnt can only be made by ourselves, a choice I never thought I would have to make and a choice that I want to share with you all. 

I wanted to post this a lot sooner but after the last one I’ve had a bit of an emotionally rough week so decided to stagger them a little, as I mentioned in my post When Tiny Feet Leave A Big Imprint… At the start of January I found out I was pregnant, roughly 9 weeks, this then led to one of the hardest things I’ve ever had to do.

When we found out I think we were both pretty scared, we had no idea what was to come and I don’t think either of us ever really thought we would end up in a situation such as this, we made a doctors appointment, now both of us hate doctors, hospitals and everything to do with that sort of thing, my mom calls it white coat syndrome, seeing as I had absolutely no idea what to expect on my first appointment I decided to search online, we all know this is probably not a good idea because I ended up working myself up and on the day I was terrified, however, at the actual appointment all the doctor did was talk to us and ask us questions about what we were thinking of doing, no needle prodding, no blood tests, no cervical exams, just plain and simple questions, he was very kind and very helpful, and helped us along to the next step of the process, making an appointment at the BPAS Clinic.

After such a stress free trip to the doctors, my next appointment at the BPAS Clinic was less nerve wracking for both of us, it was though quite emotional, when we got there I signed in and they gave me a little booklet to read, it has all the information you could need about all the different types of procedure, and then we waited what felt like forever until they finally called me into a room on my own, as soon as I sat down in there I started crying, the lady who was in with me was lovely though, very kind and understanding, she explained that I was on my own now just so they could make sure I wasn’t being forced into anything by anyone, which of course I wasn’t, after about 15/20 minutes of her asking me questions, mainly about my medical history and such I went back out to Nick, we were then called through to another room where i was given a scan to determine exactly how far I was, I didn’t see the screen though sadly, I was then weighed, measured and had a finger prick blood test to determine my blood type so they would know wether to give me the anti-D injection or not, we then went home so I could think my decision over and make sure it was exactly what I wanted.

It took two weeks of a lot of back and forth for me before I figured the best thing to do would be to end the pregnancy, it was the right thing to do considering our current situation isn’t really suitable for raising a child, and so the logical option was abortion. I booked my appointment for the 6th of Feb, I had the surgical abortion which involves sucking the foetus out of the womb, I spent so much time on the Internet the week before looking for other people who had talked about their experience, I didn’t have much success and so I kind of went in blind, I knew what was going to happen during the procedure but I had no idea how the anaesthetic was going to make me feel or what was going to happen when they were prepping me for the procedure. My mom came with me to my appointment, I wanted both my mom and Nick but sadly you are only allowed one person with you and even then they’re not allowed to come through to recovery to you. When we got to the hospital I checked in and waited about 20 minutes, they then took me into a room where I had to sign a lot of paperwork, this was also my last chance to change my mind, I didn’t, the lady who was with me then gave me two tablets that I had to let dissolve under my tongue, she told me this was to soften my cervix and that they would probably give me belly ache, my God did they give me belly ache, I am fortunate enough that I don’t often suffer from period pains, to me this belly ache was like bad period pains, nothing I couldn’t handle but it wasn’t nice. I then waited about half an hour before they came to fetch me for surgery, I had to change into the nit shirt I had brought with me and they then took me onto the ward, I waited another 15 minutes, this wait was the worst party of all of it, I’m terrified of hospitals so I was incredibly nervous, the adrenaline kicked in and I started to feel like I was going to pass out or throw up, fortunately I didn’t and they then came to fetch me and take me down for surgery, once I got into theatre they injected drugs into my hand, this was probably the best part, the drugs took away all the nerves and I felt like I was floating, they wheeled me through and the last thing I remember was asking the nurse if the oxygen they were giving me would taste of anything, I went into theatre about 10 to 12 and by the next time I looked at the clock it was about 5 to 1, everything after coming round is a bit hazy, I do remember that I woke up crying, which is apparently normal because of the drugs. After it was all over I had to wait to be discharged and then I went home and slept.

Fortunately I think I was one of the lucky ones, the drugs didn’t make me feel sick or groggy, I felt perfectly normal, well as normal as I could feel I guess.

I spent a few days at home in Tamworth before I came back to Stafford, emotionally I was fine for a few days, but it hit me eventually and for the last week or so I’ve felt like crap, there’s nothing I want more than my baby back and I can’t, it is absolutely killing me and I can’t see how I can ever feel normal again, the worst part of this is because I’m at uni I have to carry on as normal, I have to put on a face and pretend like I’m ok, when in all honesty I’m not ok at all. I’ve had a few moments that Nick has helped me get through, he has been great, so supportive and I’m fine when I’m with him, it’s times when I’m on my own that it gets to me the most, some of my uni friends know and they’ve been very supportive to, but nothing can ever change what I did, nothing can bring my baby back, I have to do a test in a weeks time to make sure the abortion was successful, all of me is hoping that it failed and that my baby is still growing away inside me but I know that is highly unlikely, whatever the outcome of the test I think I’m going to be an emotional mess, but I will deal with it as I always do, soldier on and eventually I might come to terms with what has happened and be happy again, and one day I hope I get the chance to be a mom again, if I do I will cherish it because there is absolutely nothing I want more than that right now.


When Tiny Feet Leave A Big Imprint…

On the 3rd of January after a few weeks of feeling sick and sleepy I found out I was pregnant, it was a bit of a shock although I was sort of expecting it, I never actually thought it would ever happen to me, for some reason I had convinced myself that I’d probably never get pregnant, I don’t know why but that is how I felt, turned out I was completely wrong.

This then led to one of the single most hardest decisions I’ve ever had to make, I had the support of my family and Nick, they all said they would stand by me whatever decision I made…

I never thought I could get so emotionally attached to something I have yet to see, or feel, turns out that maternal instinct kicks in pretty quick, at least for me anyway, I didn’t realise just how much I was emotionally attached to this little thing growing inside me, til now, its been 7 days since I made the choice to terminate it, 7 of the most emotional days of my life since I was 16, I’ve not felt this upset about the loss of something since my Nan died, it took me years to properly get over that and now I’ve chose to put myself through this, but what gives me the right to create life and then end it?

I’m trying to keep it together, carry on like normal but its a struggle, I pray that by some miracle the surgeon missed it, that it survived, because all I want right now is to go back a week, change my decision and give this little one a chance, part of me has gone, part of me I can never get back and its killing me…

It will always be my first, even though i will never see the little feet that left such a big imprint on my life, i will never forget, hopefully one day I will get another chance at being a Mom and I will cherish it with everything I have, because every life has value.

Rollercoaster Journey…

It’s been 12 days since I last posted and man have they been a crazy and emotional 12 days, there have been ups and downs, mostly downs really but I won’t explain it all now, I have a couple of posts planned that will explain what’s been going on, I don’t want you to think these posts are designed to get sympathy, I wrote them because they will help me deal with what’s been going on, however if you do wish to contribute your opinion then you are more than welcome to.

In other news though I had a great birthday and Games Jam was also amazing, it was the last ever one at Stafford campus this year so that made it even more special, over summer the whole of the Stafford campus moves to Stoke so next Games Jam will be there, I’m looking forward to it already!

Also don’t forget tomorrow is Valentine’s Day! It will be mine and Nicks first one together and I’m looking forward to it, we have some plans which I will share with you tomorrow, it should be a great day, however I have no idea what to buy him! He likes chocolate so I think that is what I will go with πŸ˜€

I figured I would write this post so that the next one isn’t so out of the blue.

Anyway, best go get ready, got some shopping to do! 

Crash & Burn…

So in about 3 weeks I start my final year of Uni…

Terrified doesn’t even come close, im sitting here stressing out, doubting my ability to make it through, at this point all I want to do is graduate, I don’t care if it’s with a 3rd or a 2:2 or whatever, I just want to get there, that will be a big enough achievement for me… I feel like im just going to crash and burn this year, to be honest im surprised I’ve made it this far, I definitely couldn’t have done it without the support that my friends and especially my boyfriend have given me, I probably wouldn’t have even made it this far to be honest, cause there have been times when I just wanted to quit, sometimes it gets very overwhelming, especially when you lack the confidence in your ability as much as I do, you step back and look at everything that needs to be done and just can’t see how it can possibly be done in time… I can only imagine this year is going to be even harder…

Then once all that is done I have to decide what I want to do with my life… I currently have no idea, I don’t even know if games design is what I want to do anymore, I feel so lost right now, I wish I could believe in myself but, I can’t so, I guess we will come back to this post in June when I finish, if I finish…

Wish me luck!

Happily Ever After? :D

For real this time…

So… It all started a few months ago, my best friend, Nick, told me he loved me, at the time I was already in a relationship, that I thought was the one (I was wrong), so obviously I rejected him and im ashamed to say that I used the line “I only love you as a friend”, of course I fancied him, he is a very sexy, funny and caring guy, but I didn’t want to admit it cause I thought I was already in love, but I now realise that I wasn’t, I also was afraid that things would get weird between us…

Anyway, everything went on as they were, except now I knew that the flirting actually did mean something, it wasn’t just playing, he genuinely meant something, I think him telling me how he felt brought us closer together, when me and Gilly broke up he was right there with me to help me feel better and take my mind off things, sadly though I only had him for a day or two cause I had to come home for summer, even after I came home though he was checking up on me to make sure I was ok πŸ™‚

Our relationship started one weekend in Stafford, he invited me up for a chilled weekend playing games, which we did, originally my intentions were completely innocent but then I started realising that he is my best friend and an awesome guy, and my intentions became less than innocent ;P fortunately his were too, he initiated but I set the conditions of it being just casual, though after that weekend I knew it was going to be more than casual, it was the best weekend I had, had in a very long time πŸ˜€ and then it all just sort o snowballed from there, I’ve spent my summer working and going to visit him and he’s been working and visiting me πŸ˜€

We of course are now officially boyfriend and girlfriend and it is very much not casual, I love him and I know he loves me, he is amazing and makes me laugh hysterically at the most stupidest things, I don’t know how he does it but he does, he makes me happy and above all he is my best friend, I can tell him anything, this is the most open I have ever been in a relationship and it feels so nice not to worry about where you stand or how they will react to what you say πŸ™‚

I love him ❀

Anyway, that was my way of telling you guys that I have a new boyfriend and he is awesome!

Hope you’re all as happy in your lives as I am in mine right now!

New Chapter…

Sup Guys!

Today has been a pretty nothing day, haven’t done much, went into town this afternoon to pay my rent for my student house in Stafford, had a mooch round the shops and came home!

I also went to the garden center with my mom today, I didn’t particularly want to, but she was nagging me so I thought its easier to just say yes than have her moan at me πŸ˜› it was an alright trip I guess, I just get frustrated easily when something that should take ten minutes takes an hour πŸ˜› but I should be used to that with my mom by now!

It’s been an interesting last few weeks, so much has happened πŸ˜› including an amazing weekend with Nick, he is my best friend, he makes me laugh, he’s always there for me and I love hanging out with him πŸ™‚ we’ve had a very heartfelt conversation tonight, after we stepped things up a notch at the weekend πŸ˜‰ and I cannot stop smiling! he makes me feel amazing! πŸ˜€

Anyway, my sister is coming home tomorrow! she’s off to Download for the day on Saturday and we might be going to see the new Jurassic Park movie on Friday! should be a fun weekend, but, there is no way it will live up to last weekend πŸ˜›

You guys got any plans for the weekend?

I’m so ready to embrace this new chapter of my life! it’s going to be amazing πŸ˜€

See you all tomorrow!



This is gonna be a pretty heavy post today guys, compared to the other stuff I post.

as you may have noticed I haven’t posted in like 4/5 days, I’ve been fighting with myself over whether to write this or not, but I figure this is for me and I done enough life filtering on Facebook so I’m just going to write and not worry who’s reading.

I’ll start with something positive, I had an awesome weekend with Nick, we spent it at mine this week and we mostly sorted out my comic collection ready for ComiCon at the weekend which is going to be super fun, I’ll probably take a few pics and share them with you all, he pretty much finished watching season 2 of GoT and is loving it and I did a bit of work =D

Now for the slightly less positive bit……

So the past couple days have been pretty crappy, I’ve felt like I’ve been fighting myself, yesterday was probably the worst of it, it all melts away once I get to uni and I’m with friends though, yesterday I felt awful, I had one of them days where its hard to look at myself in the mirror and if I do I just hate whats looking back at me, as hard as I try I cannot get rid of it once I start to feel that way, I left the house about 5 minutes before I had to be on the bus, wanting to just hide in bed all day, I mean if I didn’t want to look at me why would anyone else. I know I shouldn’t feel like it and I know its silly but every now and then it just resurfaces and makes me feel like crap for a good week or so.

I’m feeling pretty lost, uni work is stressing me out which isn’t helping, the lack of motivation is also getting to me. As I write this i should be doing work but I’ve chosen to let this out first, maybe it will help, maybe I will regret making it public, I dunno, its my blog so I guess it will be useful for me to look back on eventually and see where I’ve come from.

Sometimes I get that horrible feeling, where you’re surrounded by people you love but you feel totally alone, it sounds silly I know but then this leads to me questioning friendships, I start to wonder whether my friends actually like me or if they’re just putting up with me, do they actually consider me a friend etc.
This is something I dealt with a lot as a teenager and I thought it had disappeared, clearly not.


So I started writing this on the 19th, I’m not entirely sure why I stopped and I guess it wasn’t as heavy as I thought it was gonna be, I have quite a bit to catch up on but its been a pretty busy couple of days, I have deadlines looming and this weekend was Comic Con, it has been an awesome weekend and I will do a separate post about it, I’ve got some pics from it to share with you all too!

Coming back to what I wrote above, I’m feeling mostly better now, it kinda comes in waves, sometimes ill feel fine other days i just don’t wanna face the world, a lot of it is probably to do with my lack of self confidence which all stems from me not looking exactly how I think I should/want to and as soon as I have dealt with that then I guess these feelings will go away! here’s hoping anyway =P

Hope you guys have all had a great few days and I shall return shortly to tell you all about Comic Con!

See you later