I understand this is a controversial subject for some, but for me I believe we all have a choice, a choice that I learnt can only be made by ourselves, a choice I never thought I would have to make and a choice that I want to share with you all.
I wanted to post this a lot sooner but after the last one I’ve had a bit of an emotionally rough week so decided to stagger them a little, as I mentioned in my post When Tiny Feet Leave A Big Imprint… At the start of January I found out I was pregnant, roughly 9 weeks, this then led to one of the hardest things I’ve ever had to do.
When we found out I think we were both pretty scared, we had no idea what was to come and I don’t think either of us ever really thought we would end up in a situation such as this, we made a doctors appointment, now both of us hate doctors, hospitals and everything to do with that sort of thing, my mom calls it white coat syndrome, seeing as I had absolutely no idea what to expect on my first appointment I decided to search online, we all know this is probably not a good idea because I ended up working myself up and on the day I was terrified, however, at the actual appointment all the doctor did was talk to us and ask us questions about what we were thinking of doing, no needle prodding, no blood tests, no cervical exams, just plain and simple questions, he was very kind and very helpful, and helped us along to the next step of the process, making an appointment at the BPAS Clinic.
After such a stress free trip to the doctors, my next appointment at the BPAS Clinic was less nerve wracking for both of us, it was though quite emotional, when we got there I signed in and they gave me a little booklet to read, it has all the information you could need about all the different types of procedure, and then we waited what felt like forever until they finally called me into a room on my own, as soon as I sat down in there I started crying, the lady who was in with me was lovely though, very kind and understanding, she explained that I was on my own now just so they could make sure I wasn’t being forced into anything by anyone, which of course I wasn’t, after about 15/20 minutes of her asking me questions, mainly about my medical history and such I went back out to Nick, we were then called through to another room where i was given a scan to determine exactly how far I was, I didn’t see the screen though sadly, I was then weighed, measured and had a finger prick blood test to determine my blood type so they would know wether to give me the anti-D injection or not, we then went home so I could think my decision over and make sure it was exactly what I wanted.
It took two weeks of a lot of back and forth for me before I figured the best thing to do would be to end the pregnancy, it was the right thing to do considering our current situation isn’t really suitable for raising a child, and so the logical option was abortion. I booked my appointment for the 6th of Feb, I had the surgical abortion which involves sucking the foetus out of the womb, I spent so much time on the Internet the week before looking for other people who had talked about their experience, I didn’t have much success and so I kind of went in blind, I knew what was going to happen during the procedure but I had no idea how the anaesthetic was going to make me feel or what was going to happen when they were prepping me for the procedure. My mom came with me to my appointment, I wanted both my mom and Nick but sadly you are only allowed one person with you and even then they’re not allowed to come through to recovery to you. When we got to the hospital I checked in and waited about 20 minutes, they then took me into a room where I had to sign a lot of paperwork, this was also my last chance to change my mind, I didn’t, the lady who was with me then gave me two tablets that I had to let dissolve under my tongue, she told me this was to soften my cervix and that they would probably give me belly ache, my God did they give me belly ache, I am fortunate enough that I don’t often suffer from period pains, to me this belly ache was like bad period pains, nothing I couldn’t handle but it wasn’t nice. I then waited about half an hour before they came to fetch me for surgery, I had to change into the nit shirt I had brought with me and they then took me onto the ward, I waited another 15 minutes, this wait was the worst party of all of it, I’m terrified of hospitals so I was incredibly nervous, the adrenaline kicked in and I started to feel like I was going to pass out or throw up, fortunately I didn’t and they then came to fetch me and take me down for surgery, once I got into theatre they injected drugs into my hand, this was probably the best part, the drugs took away all the nerves and I felt like I was floating, they wheeled me through and the last thing I remember was asking the nurse if the oxygen they were giving me would taste of anything, I went into theatre about 10 to 12 and by the next time I looked at the clock it was about 5 to 1, everything after coming round is a bit hazy, I do remember that I woke up crying, which is apparently normal because of the drugs. After it was all over I had to wait to be discharged and then I went home and slept.
Fortunately I think I was one of the lucky ones, the drugs didn’t make me feel sick or groggy, I felt perfectly normal, well as normal as I could feel I guess.
I spent a few days at home in Tamworth before I came back to Stafford, emotionally I was fine for a few days, but it hit me eventually and for the last week or so I’ve felt like crap, there’s nothing I want more than my baby back and I can’t, it is absolutely killing me and I can’t see how I can ever feel normal again, the worst part of this is because I’m at uni I have to carry on as normal, I have to put on a face and pretend like I’m ok, when in all honesty I’m not ok at all. I’ve had a few moments that Nick has helped me get through, he has been great, so supportive and I’m fine when I’m with him, it’s times when I’m on my own that it gets to me the most, some of my uni friends know and they’ve been very supportive to, but nothing can ever change what I did, nothing can bring my baby back, I have to do a test in a weeks time to make sure the abortion was successful, all of me is hoping that it failed and that my baby is still growing away inside me but I know that is highly unlikely, whatever the outcome of the test I think I’m going to be an emotional mess, but I will deal with it as I always do, soldier on and eventually I might come to terms with what has happened and be happy again, and one day I hope I get the chance to be a mom again, if I do I will cherish it because there is absolutely nothing I want more than that right now.