Category Archives: Feelings

Moving Home… 4 Weeks In.

So a month ago on the 8th I moved back home to my parents house, along with Arran, in preparation for when baby comes (Still no sign of him! he’s now 4 days late!!!)
The last 4 weeks seem to have flown by, maybe because we have been keeping ourselves busy or maybe just cause of our imminent arrival, I’m not really sure, either way I can’t believe it has been a month already!

Living back at home hasn’t been too bad and I feel like Arran has adjusted to it pretty well also, I was worried that it would be awful, losing that freedom of having your own house and doing whatever we want whenever we want, but it has felt more or less the same, granted we don’t have as much space to ourselves here and have to live in a way that is considerate towards my parents but on the whole things have been a lot easier than I thought they were going to be.

The main reason for the move was so that once baby is here we would have the support of all my family, seeing as all of my family live within close proximity of each other it makes being able to drop on someone for help a lot easier than had we still been living in Burton, where we had no family or friends, I also didn’t want to be alone with a newborn once Arran went back to work.

We will also save quite a bit of money by moving back into my parents house which means we can hopefully save up for a nicer house in a nicer area, I will hopefully be able to go back to work even if its only part time a lot sooner than if we had been on our own which means we will have even more money saved up and of course another big thing is we will be able to have time to ourselves without having to always be mom and dad cause there will usually be someone on hand to help look after baby, which will be nice cause there are quite a few movies coming out in the next few weeks that I would love to go see!

So yeah, on a whole moving back home hasn’t been too bad, a lot easier than I thought it would be, but it is definitely not a permanent solution and once baby is here and we’ve had a month or two to adjust we will probably start re-assessing our options and maybe look at getting our own place somewhere close by, that way we have the best of both worlds, our own house and family support close by!

Fingers crossed!

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The Mummy Diaries: 37 Week Update!!

So we finally made it, 37 weeks! I am officially classed as full term now and baby could come any day! Super excited doesn’t even come close to how I feel right now!

Last week I had my 36 week midwife appointment, everything is looking good, however, he had decided to move up out of my pelvis a bit instead of going further in, which was a little disappointing but ah well such is life right, can’t rush these things, he will come when he is good and ready! My next appointment will be tomorrow at 38 weeks, so fingers crossed for a bit of downward movement!!

According to my app Ovia, baby is the size of a tackle box at 37 weeks, weighs just over 6lbs and is about 19 inches tall! All of his organs are fully formed and he is totally ready to come into this world and meet us, hurry up dude!

I finally finished his bedroom this week and his new moses basket arrived as well, I will do a separate post with some pics of the nursery and his moses basket all set up, we also finished washing all of his clothes… he has so many clothes it is insane! ooh and I also finished packing his hospital bag and made a start on packing my own, though most of the stuff going into my bag is stuff that I am still using so will have to all be put in last minute!

Definitely starting to feel a lot more tired now, sleep hasn’t been easy, I tend to wake up loads of times in the night and then once I wake up it takes about an hour or so to get back to sleep, but it will all be worth it, I am definitely looking forward to being able to sleep somewhat normally again once he is here, the things you don’t appreciate like sleeping on your back instead of your side all the time are the things you miss the most I think, so I am really looking forward to being able to do that again and just generally have my body back!

Ooh, I almost forgot, we had a breastfeeding class on the 13th, it was pretty interesting, though the jury is still out on whether I will breast feed or formula, I think I will give it a try for sure for at least a week but my heart is not set on it being the only way I feed him, if I end up bottle feeding I won’t be disappointed, fed is best after all and as long as he is happy it doesn’t matter.

So yeah, I think that is all I have for this weeks update, I am thinking of doing weekly updates now until he arrives, so I guess my next one will be next Sunday/Monday for 38 weeks!

P.s. we still haven’t picked out a name!!!

Decisions πŸ€”

I have some big decisions to make in the next few weeks, one in particular is going to impact my life quite significantly the other not so much…

I think I’ll start by talking about the smaller of the two decisions, that being I want to post a lot about my pregnancy so far and updates on it in the future and then continue on after baby is here, kinda like a mommy blog, but, I don’t really want to change the overall theme of this blog, I like that I can just come on here a write about whatever I like, so I was thinking about starting a separate mommy blog, but I’m not sure, I don’t want to start it and then neglect this one or vice versa… so maybe I will just stick to writing on this one, start a mommy series maybe, who knows, maybe this blog will eventually evolve into a mommy blog! I guess it’s something I need to think about a bit more, read other people’s mommy blogs, get some ideas, I will say im not going to start a new one until im certain that is what I want to do.

So now onto the decision that is the important one, the one that will change my future…

My parents have offered to let myself and my OH move in with them on a short-term basis, 2 years max probably, with the intention that we save the money we are currently spending on rent and bills etc. and put it away to go towards buying our own house in the future, there are so many positives to taking them up on this offer that I am 100% for it, my OH however is not…
At the minute we live in a one bed flat in a built up area, on a main road where all of the schools are rubbish, my parents live in a reasonably nice area where schools are good, now I know school is a good five years away yet, but still this is something that bothers me. I want our son to go to a nice school in a nice area where he can go out and play with friends and I won’t have to worry about him, this is possible where my parents live, here though not so much. So that being one of the positives, here are the rest, in my eyes:

  • Free childcare
  • Family support
  • Save money
  • Better job prospects for me
  • OH can use some savings to learn to drive
  • Possibility for me to go back to college
  • I won’t be alone for 10 hours a day with a newborn

So yeah those are the positive how I see it, the biggest one for me being not being on my own all the time, here I am completely alone, family are a good 40 minutes away, I have no proper friends where I currently live so my days are spent inside on my own, which can be quite isolating and lonely now let alone when I’m taking care of a new baby and have no idea what im doing, at least if we move home I will have all of my family around me to help out and I won’t be alone all day every day. However, moving home would mean the OH would have to commute to work, which obviously costs money, but nowhere near as much as we are paying out currently, but, he doesn’t want to commute, he says he would rather pay the extra money for us to have our own space, but that could mean we end up struggling and nobody wants to do that if they can help it, he says that he will get a better paid job, but I know he enjoys his job where he works now and I don’t want him to move somewhere else and be unhappy, I’d rather he be happy and us move in with my parents for a while to get ourselves into a better financial position… I just need to find a way to convince him that it is our best option… Any suggestions?

Happy New Year!

Things have been quiet recently but I thought I would drop by to anyone who still checks in and say HAPPY NEW YEAR! 

I know it’s like 3 days late but hey better late than never right! 

Hope you all have an amazing 2017, anyone got any new year resolutions they wanna share? I’m not very good at making/keeping mine so I tend not to make them πŸ˜›

2017 is going to be a great year, I can feel it… literally 😜

Back Online!

It’s been a while hasn’t it!

I’ll keep it short, but it’s been 5 months since i last posted, that’s quite some time and a lot has happened since then… but i am back online finally, with not the worlds greatest internet connection but it shall do for now until Sky can be bothered to sort it out for us πŸ˜€ i’m just happy to finally have internet again!

After my last post i took a bit of time out to deal with my emotions and such, in that time i completed uni, graduated, moved house and got a new job! so yeah its been a busy 5 months for me and every time i come back here after a few months break (There have been a few) i always feel like i’m starting over, i suffer with bloggers block and never know what to talk about, really i should just not overthink and let my fingers do the work right!

Anyway, i have a few ideas for some posts, i’m creating a new schedule now, i will be posting twice a week, Tuesdays and Fridays, so feel free to stick around and join in discussions/thought sharing, i am always excited to hear what others have to say!

Til then Happy Monday everyone and i shall see you all tomorrow!

Sarah

Abortion… My ExperienceΒ 

I understand this is a controversial subject for some, but for me I believe we all have a choice, a choice that I learnt can only be made by ourselves, a choice I never thought I would have to make and a choice that I want to share with you all. 

I wanted to post this a lot sooner but after the last one I’ve had a bit of an emotionally rough week so decided to stagger them a little, as I mentioned in my post When Tiny Feet Leave A Big Imprint… At the start of January I found out I was pregnant, roughly 9 weeks, this then led to one of the hardest things I’ve ever had to do.

When we found out I think we were both pretty scared, we had no idea what was to come and I don’t think either of us ever really thought we would end up in a situation such as this, we made a doctors appointment, now both of us hate doctors, hospitals and everything to do with that sort of thing, my mom calls it white coat syndrome, seeing as I had absolutely no idea what to expect on my first appointment I decided to search online, we all know this is probably not a good idea because I ended up working myself up and on the day I was terrified, however, at the actual appointment all the doctor did was talk to us and ask us questions about what we were thinking of doing, no needle prodding, no blood tests, no cervical exams, just plain and simple questions, he was very kind and very helpful, and helped us along to the next step of the process, making an appointment at the BPAS Clinic.

After such a stress free trip to the doctors, my next appointment at the BPAS Clinic was less nerve wracking for both of us, it was though quite emotional, when we got there I signed in and they gave me a little booklet to read, it has all the information you could need about all the different types of procedure, and then we waited what felt like forever until they finally called me into a room on my own, as soon as I sat down in there I started crying, the lady who was in with me was lovely though, very kind and understanding, she explained that I was on my own now just so they could make sure I wasn’t being forced into anything by anyone, which of course I wasn’t, after about 15/20 minutes of her asking me questions, mainly about my medical history and such I went back out to Nick, we were then called through to another room where i was given a scan to determine exactly how far I was, I didn’t see the screen though sadly, I was then weighed, measured and had a finger prick blood test to determine my blood type so they would know wether to give me the anti-D injection or not, we then went home so I could think my decision over and make sure it was exactly what I wanted.

It took two weeks of a lot of back and forth for me before I figured the best thing to do would be to end the pregnancy, it was the right thing to do considering our current situation isn’t really suitable for raising a child, and so the logical option was abortion. I booked my appointment for the 6th of Feb, I had the surgical abortion which involves sucking the foetus out of the womb, I spent so much time on the Internet the week before looking for other people who had talked about their experience, I didn’t have much success and so I kind of went in blind, I knew what was going to happen during the procedure but I had no idea how the anaesthetic was going to make me feel or what was going to happen when they were prepping me for the procedure. My mom came with me to my appointment, I wanted both my mom and Nick but sadly you are only allowed one person with you and even then they’re not allowed to come through to recovery to you. When we got to the hospital I checked in and waited about 20 minutes, they then took me into a room where I had to sign a lot of paperwork, this was also my last chance to change my mind, I didn’t, the lady who was with me then gave me two tablets that I had to let dissolve under my tongue, she told me this was to soften my cervix and that they would probably give me belly ache, my God did they give me belly ache, I am fortunate enough that I don’t often suffer from period pains, to me this belly ache was like bad period pains, nothing I couldn’t handle but it wasn’t nice. I then waited about half an hour before they came to fetch me for surgery, I had to change into the nit shirt I had brought with me and they then took me onto the ward, I waited another 15 minutes, this wait was the worst party of all of it, I’m terrified of hospitals so I was incredibly nervous, the adrenaline kicked in and I started to feel like I was going to pass out or throw up, fortunately I didn’t and they then came to fetch me and take me down for surgery, once I got into theatre they injected drugs into my hand, this was probably the best part, the drugs took away all the nerves and I felt like I was floating, they wheeled me through and the last thing I remember was asking the nurse if the oxygen they were giving me would taste of anything, I went into theatre about 10 to 12 and by the next time I looked at the clock it was about 5 to 1, everything after coming round is a bit hazy, I do remember that I woke up crying, which is apparently normal because of the drugs. After it was all over I had to wait to be discharged and then I went home and slept.

Fortunately I think I was one of the lucky ones, the drugs didn’t make me feel sick or groggy, I felt perfectly normal, well as normal as I could feel I guess.

I spent a few days at home in Tamworth before I came back to Stafford, emotionally I was fine for a few days, but it hit me eventually and for the last week or so I’ve felt like crap, there’s nothing I want more than my baby back and I can’t, it is absolutely killing me and I can’t see how I can ever feel normal again, the worst part of this is because I’m at uni I have to carry on as normal, I have to put on a face and pretend like I’m ok, when in all honesty I’m not ok at all. I’ve had a few moments that Nick has helped me get through, he has been great, so supportive and I’m fine when I’m with him, it’s times when I’m on my own that it gets to me the most, some of my uni friends know and they’ve been very supportive to, but nothing can ever change what I did, nothing can bring my baby back, I have to do a test in a weeks time to make sure the abortion was successful, all of me is hoping that it failed and that my baby is still growing away inside me but I know that is highly unlikely, whatever the outcome of the test I think I’m going to be an emotional mess, but I will deal with it as I always do, soldier on and eventually I might come to terms with what has happened and be happy again, and one day I hope I get the chance to be a mom again, if I do I will cherish it because there is absolutely nothing I want more than that right now.

When Tiny Feet Leave A Big Imprint…

On the 3rd of January after a few weeks of feeling sick and sleepy I found out I was pregnant, it was a bit of a shock although I was sort of expecting it, I never actually thought it would ever happen to me, for some reason I had convinced myself that I’d probably never get pregnant, I don’t know why but that is how I felt, turned out I was completely wrong.

This then led to one of the single most hardest decisions I’ve ever had to make, I had the support of my family and Nick, they all said they would stand by me whatever decision I made…

I never thought I could get so emotionally attached to something I have yet to see, or feel, turns out that maternal instinct kicks in pretty quick, at least for me anyway, I didn’t realise just how much I was emotionally attached to this little thing growing inside me, til now, its been 7 days since I made the choice to terminate it, 7 of the most emotional days of my life since I was 16, I’ve not felt this upset about the loss of something since my Nan died, it took me years to properly get over that and now I’ve chose to put myself through this, but what gives me the right to create life and then end it?

I’m trying to keep it together, carry on like normal but its a struggle, I pray that by some miracle the surgeon missed it, that it survived, because all I want right now is to go back a week, change my decision and give this little one a chance, part of me has gone, part of me I can never get back and its killing me…

It will always be my first, even though i will never see the little feet that left such a big imprint on my life, i will never forget, hopefully one day I will get another chance at being a Mom and I will cherish it with everything I have, because every life has value.

Rollercoaster Journey…

It’s been 12 days since I last posted and man have they been a crazy and emotional 12 days, there have been ups and downs, mostly downs really but I won’t explain it all now, I have a couple of posts planned that will explain what’s been going on, I don’t want you to think these posts are designed to get sympathy, I wrote them because they will help me deal with what’s been going on, however if you do wish to contribute your opinion then you are more than welcome to.

In other news though I had a great birthday and Games Jam was also amazing, it was the last ever one at Stafford campus this year so that made it even more special, over summer the whole of the Stafford campus moves to Stoke so next Games Jam will be there, I’m looking forward to it already!

Also don’t forget tomorrow is Valentine’s Day! It will be mine and Nicks first one together and I’m looking forward to it, we have some plans which I will share with you tomorrow, it should be a great day, however I have no idea what to buy him! He likes chocolate so I think that is what I will go with πŸ˜€

I figured I would write this post so that the next one isn’t so out of the blue.

Anyway, best go get ready, got some shopping to do! 

Crash & Burn…

So in about 3 weeks I start my final year of Uni…

Terrified doesn’t even come close, im sitting here stressing out, doubting my ability to make it through, at this point all I want to do is graduate, I don’t care if it’s with a 3rd or a 2:2 or whatever, I just want to get there, that will be a big enough achievement for me… I feel like im just going to crash and burn this year, to be honest im surprised I’ve made it this far, I definitely couldn’t have done it without the support that my friends and especially my boyfriend have given me, I probably wouldn’t have even made it this far to be honest, cause there have been times when I just wanted to quit, sometimes it gets very overwhelming, especially when you lack the confidence in your ability as much as I do, you step back and look at everything that needs to be done and just can’t see how it can possibly be done in time… I can only imagine this year is going to be even harder…

Then once all that is done I have to decide what I want to do with my life… I currently have no idea, I don’t even know if games design is what I want to do anymore, I feel so lost right now, I wish I could believe in myself but, I can’t so, I guess we will come back to this post in June when I finish, if I finish…

Wish me luck!