Category Archives: Choices

The Mummy Diaries: Choosing A Name…

We still haven’t picked a name… Infact our shortlist is not even short and keeps changing!

How? How do people pick names? It is such a huge decision and so hard knowing we have to pick something good and that it will be with him for the rest of his life!!

What if he doesn’t like it? what then!

I do know we don’t want to give him one of these trendy names that will date and sound silly when he’s 60 or when he’s working in a professional setting, we are definitely going to give him something traditional, but also not too old fashioned, though we do like some of the old fashioned names like Arthur, but we aren’t naming him Arthur.

We have at most 3 weeks til we meet him, I just hope that when we finally have him here with us we will be able to look at him and say he looks like a “insert name here” and all will be good!

Hopefully also people will stop asking us what we are going to name him soon, cause
1. we don’t know
2. even if we did we aren’t telling anyone because everyone has an opinion on every name and no doubt someones opinion would taint it for us!

Fingers crossed we think of something soon!!

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Abortion… My ExperienceΒ 

I understand this is a controversial subject for some, but for me I believe we all have a choice, a choice that I learnt can only be made by ourselves, a choice I never thought I would have to make and a choice that I want to share with you all. 

I wanted to post this a lot sooner but after the last one I’ve had a bit of an emotionally rough week so decided to stagger them a little, as I mentioned in my post When Tiny Feet Leave A Big Imprint… At the start of January I found out I was pregnant, roughly 9 weeks, this then led to one of the hardest things I’ve ever had to do.

When we found out I think we were both pretty scared, we had no idea what was to come and I don’t think either of us ever really thought we would end up in a situation such as this, we made a doctors appointment, now both of us hate doctors, hospitals and everything to do with that sort of thing, my mom calls it white coat syndrome, seeing as I had absolutely no idea what to expect on my first appointment I decided to search online, we all know this is probably not a good idea because I ended up working myself up and on the day I was terrified, however, at the actual appointment all the doctor did was talk to us and ask us questions about what we were thinking of doing, no needle prodding, no blood tests, no cervical exams, just plain and simple questions, he was very kind and very helpful, and helped us along to the next step of the process, making an appointment at the BPAS Clinic.

After such a stress free trip to the doctors, my next appointment at the BPAS Clinic was less nerve wracking for both of us, it was though quite emotional, when we got there I signed in and they gave me a little booklet to read, it has all the information you could need about all the different types of procedure, and then we waited what felt like forever until they finally called me into a room on my own, as soon as I sat down in there I started crying, the lady who was in with me was lovely though, very kind and understanding, she explained that I was on my own now just so they could make sure I wasn’t being forced into anything by anyone, which of course I wasn’t, after about 15/20 minutes of her asking me questions, mainly about my medical history and such I went back out to Nick, we were then called through to another room where i was given a scan to determine exactly how far I was, I didn’t see the screen though sadly, I was then weighed, measured and had a finger prick blood test to determine my blood type so they would know wether to give me the anti-D injection or not, we then went home so I could think my decision over and make sure it was exactly what I wanted.

It took two weeks of a lot of back and forth for me before I figured the best thing to do would be to end the pregnancy, it was the right thing to do considering our current situation isn’t really suitable for raising a child, and so the logical option was abortion. I booked my appointment for the 6th of Feb, I had the surgical abortion which involves sucking the foetus out of the womb, I spent so much time on the Internet the week before looking for other people who had talked about their experience, I didn’t have much success and so I kind of went in blind, I knew what was going to happen during the procedure but I had no idea how the anaesthetic was going to make me feel or what was going to happen when they were prepping me for the procedure. My mom came with me to my appointment, I wanted both my mom and Nick but sadly you are only allowed one person with you and even then they’re not allowed to come through to recovery to you. When we got to the hospital I checked in and waited about 20 minutes, they then took me into a room where I had to sign a lot of paperwork, this was also my last chance to change my mind, I didn’t, the lady who was with me then gave me two tablets that I had to let dissolve under my tongue, she told me this was to soften my cervix and that they would probably give me belly ache, my God did they give me belly ache, I am fortunate enough that I don’t often suffer from period pains, to me this belly ache was like bad period pains, nothing I couldn’t handle but it wasn’t nice. I then waited about half an hour before they came to fetch me for surgery, I had to change into the nit shirt I had brought with me and they then took me onto the ward, I waited another 15 minutes, this wait was the worst party of all of it, I’m terrified of hospitals so I was incredibly nervous, the adrenaline kicked in and I started to feel like I was going to pass out or throw up, fortunately I didn’t and they then came to fetch me and take me down for surgery, once I got into theatre they injected drugs into my hand, this was probably the best part, the drugs took away all the nerves and I felt like I was floating, they wheeled me through and the last thing I remember was asking the nurse if the oxygen they were giving me would taste of anything, I went into theatre about 10 to 12 and by the next time I looked at the clock it was about 5 to 1, everything after coming round is a bit hazy, I do remember that I woke up crying, which is apparently normal because of the drugs. After it was all over I had to wait to be discharged and then I went home and slept.

Fortunately I think I was one of the lucky ones, the drugs didn’t make me feel sick or groggy, I felt perfectly normal, well as normal as I could feel I guess.

I spent a few days at home in Tamworth before I came back to Stafford, emotionally I was fine for a few days, but it hit me eventually and for the last week or so I’ve felt like crap, there’s nothing I want more than my baby back and I can’t, it is absolutely killing me and I can’t see how I can ever feel normal again, the worst part of this is because I’m at uni I have to carry on as normal, I have to put on a face and pretend like I’m ok, when in all honesty I’m not ok at all. I’ve had a few moments that Nick has helped me get through, he has been great, so supportive and I’m fine when I’m with him, it’s times when I’m on my own that it gets to me the most, some of my uni friends know and they’ve been very supportive to, but nothing can ever change what I did, nothing can bring my baby back, I have to do a test in a weeks time to make sure the abortion was successful, all of me is hoping that it failed and that my baby is still growing away inside me but I know that is highly unlikely, whatever the outcome of the test I think I’m going to be an emotional mess, but I will deal with it as I always do, soldier on and eventually I might come to terms with what has happened and be happy again, and one day I hope I get the chance to be a mom again, if I do I will cherish it because there is absolutely nothing I want more than that right now.

When Tiny Feet Leave A Big Imprint…

On the 3rd of January after a few weeks of feeling sick and sleepy I found out I was pregnant, it was a bit of a shock although I was sort of expecting it, I never actually thought it would ever happen to me, for some reason I had convinced myself that I’d probably never get pregnant, I don’t know why but that is how I felt, turned out I was completely wrong.

This then led to one of the single most hardest decisions I’ve ever had to make, I had the support of my family and Nick, they all said they would stand by me whatever decision I made…

I never thought I could get so emotionally attached to something I have yet to see, or feel, turns out that maternal instinct kicks in pretty quick, at least for me anyway, I didn’t realise just how much I was emotionally attached to this little thing growing inside me, til now, its been 7 days since I made the choice to terminate it, 7 of the most emotional days of my life since I was 16, I’ve not felt this upset about the loss of something since my Nan died, it took me years to properly get over that and now I’ve chose to put myself through this, but what gives me the right to create life and then end it?

I’m trying to keep it together, carry on like normal but its a struggle, I pray that by some miracle the surgeon missed it, that it survived, because all I want right now is to go back a week, change my decision and give this little one a chance, part of me has gone, part of me I can never get back and its killing me…

It will always be my first, even though i will never see the little feet that left such a big imprint on my life, i will never forget, hopefully one day I will get another chance at being a Mom and I will cherish it with everything I have, because every life has value.

Break Ups SUCK!

So yesterday sucked…

Me and Gilly broke up 😦 

I guess I kinda saw it coming, like things felt a little weird, I told him I loved him a couple days ago and then after that things didn’t feel the same as before, he woke up yesterday to a huge essay from me asking him about stuff and then he came round and we broke up…

He told me he didn’t feel that strongly about me and that it was unfair for me to be with someone who couldn’t say they loved me back, and so it was for the best, we’re going back to being just friends, so I guess that’s somethin, at least I haven’t lost him altogether…

I’m not mad at him or bitter, cause I love him, and I respect him a lot for calling it off rather than stringing me along faking things that weren’t there you know, I just keep thinking if I never said anything would things have been different, but then I wanted him to know how I really felt so maybe what I did was a good thing…

So yeah I’m feeling pretty crappy at the minute, didn’t get much sleep the night before cause I was up thinking about all this and then last night I didn’t get much sleep either cause, it was kinda hard to switch my brain off :/ 

Nick was lovely though yesterday, as soon as I told him he came round and spent the day with me, he already had plans and I felt bad for dragging him away from them but, I just couldn’t be alone yesterday…

Anyway, I hope you guys weekends were better than mine!

I shall see you all later

Sarah

How Do You Blog?

So my shitty internet connection recently has inspired this post.

I paid Β£40 for the privilege of using BT WiFi hotspots for the next month, cause my housemate cancelled our contract with Virgin seeing as he goes to Japan in like 5 days, and to say that the connection is bad would be an understatement, my desktop wont connect to it, my laptop which I’m currently using is temperamental with the connection, my iPad is really the only thing I have that can’t get a decent connection, but I guess it’s not meant to be used as a home connection so that’s why it’s not all that great….

However, the bad connection inspired this post, so lets roll with it, I wanna know what you guys blog on the most? and where is the strangest place you have blogged from? πŸ˜€

This should be fun!

Normally I just blog from my desktop in my bedroom, nothing special but it’s where I spend most of my time these days, sat at my PC playing games, watching YouTube and of course blogging πŸ˜€

Recently though I’ve been forced to blog from my iPad a lot, due to bad connection, I don’t like doing it from my iPad all that much, I’d rather do it from a PC if I had the choice, iPads are great and I love mine but blogging from it is a bit of a pain, mainly because if I wanna add a photo or something I have to save it to my iPad first, and that’s just annoying πŸ˜›

Occasionally I will blog from my laptop, in the lounge or from my bed…. cause yeah I’m lazy πŸ˜› in fact I’m currently blogging from my bed!

Its comfy! don’t judge me πŸ˜›

And very, very rarely I will blog from my phone, I think I’ve done it like once or twice at most, and that brings me to the weirdest place I’ve ever blogged, it was on a train using my phone, this is the post “Kudos To Commuters” and I think I was on my way home from Stafford for a driving lesson πŸ˜›

So yeah, that’s how I blog! mostly using my desktop, but occasionally when my internet is bad or I’m not near a PC I use my iPad πŸ˜€

I will be blogging a lot from my iPad in Disney, unless the hotel has PCs that I can use πŸ˜›

How do you guys do it?

Also whats your preferred device and what inspires your posts the most?

So many questions I know, but I’m interested in you guys! πŸ˜€